A Common Uncommon Life - Parts 14 - 15

 

Casey and I strolling on a San Francisco beach, March, 2003

 Heather and Hal

I met Debora Kailing in June, 1993, at a tennis tournament in Mountain View, California.  We dated for a few months, and I proposed to her later that year.  From the very beginning, I really liked her two kids, so we decided to take a year of step-family counseling together, which helped all of us in the transition.  Heather was 13 when I met her and Hal was 9.  I knew nothing about raising kids, but I did know how special those two kids were.  I wanted them in my life!

Although things did not work out between their mom and me, there was no question that I wanted to stay in close contact with Heather and Hal after Deb and I divorced in 1998.  When Suzanne and I started dating later that year, Heather and Hal were very gracious and welcoming to her.  Deb later remarried a great guy named Terry, and their dad, George, had already remarried a wonderful woman named Marie, so the kids had an extended family of adults who cared about them.

Despite differences in age and temperament, Heather and Hal were always close.  They adored each other.  My earliest memories of the kids are that Hal was always friendly to everyone ("Hal the Pal, as his friends called him) and active with friends, and Heather was polite, independent, and adventurous.  Hal adapted to rules and boundaries immediately, while Heather tested them.  I learned a lot from both kids, because they required different attention, conversations, and understanding.

Interacting With Hal.  My first outing with Hal was to take him to Clarke's Burgers, where we ate cheeseburgers and talked about sports, his friends, and school.  By the end of the meal, he had so much mustard on him that I pointed out the restroom and suggested he wash his face and hands.  It was probably our first big laugh together.

Hal was maybe a little small for his age, and he wore thick glasses to correct an eye problem.  He was the friendliest, kindest nine-year-old you'll ever meet.  He loved being around adults, but didn't at all demand to be the center of attention.  In fact, he was rather shy and yet had many friends.  He was an average Little League player who tried harder than anyone else.  He'd use his allowance to buy Cokes for his friends at school.

Hal and I really connected when he found out I had a collection of baseball cards from 1961.  He loved baseball cards as much as I did when I was young, and he was eager to price the cards according to his Beckett Baseball Magazine.  I took out the stack of cards and began reading out the numbers for Hal to price.  The first card (of Frank Robinson, I remember) went something like this:

       Steve:  Number 360
          Hal:  Forty
       Steve:  Okay, forty cents
          Hal:  No, that's forty dollars!

That got my attention right away, and we were both thrilled. We sat at the table and priced out the rest of my baseball cards, which, together with a more recent collection of 1956 baseball cards, Hal will surely inherit someday.

Hal and I shared many things while we lived together and in his high school years, before he went to college.  He was a goalie on his school's soccer team, the placekicker on their football team, and a hitter and blocker on the volleyball team, so I tried to attend many of his games.  We went to A's baseball games together, and I worked with him on his golf game extensively.  Hal not only grew to become a very good all-around athlete, but he grew and grew and grew.  By the time he graduated from high school, he was already taller than I was.

Each of Hal's Little League teams produced baseball card-like photos.

Heather and Hal both had a hard time with their parents' divorce, but during our family counseling, Hal really began to open up.  We had many long talks in those early years, and I always encouraged him to tell me what he was feeling.  He was a young man who wanted to talk about his feelings, which I found extraordinary.  His dad, George, added so many things to Hal's life that were beyond my expertise or experience, but I added a few things that complemented George's influence in Hal's life.  There was never a hint of any competition between us; the kids got different things from each adult.

The two counselors we saw for family counseling gave us a method for charting positive and negative consequences for the kids, and Hal bought into the system right away.  By the end of each week, he'd ask us what he could do to earn a little extra money, so we'd come up with tasks for him.  Rather than save his own money, he asked me to be "the bank," and I gladly kept a chart of the money he was accumulating.  In looking at that old bank account again, I realized he spent over half of his money to buy gifts for other people.  I think that gave him the most joy.

When I met Hal, he already liked to cook.  Besides sports, it was probably his favorite thing to do in life.  Many times he made us Sunday breakfasts, and, I must say, they were always quite good.  He liked mixing things and trying new recipes.

Hal never asked Casey to move while he was cooking breakfast!

Hal's mother and I split up when he was 14.  It was really hard to not see him half the time (he lived with his dad the other half of the time anyway), but we did see each other often, thanks to both his mom and his dad.  We would spend an evening together about once a week, and I would often tutor him in his math classes and then go to dinner with him.

I sat next to his dad at Hal's high school (outdoor) graduation, and I was so proud to be there.  After the ceremony, George leaned over to me and said, "You had a big part in that."  It was one of the nicest compliments I ever received from anyone.  Hal was then a big, handsome kid ready to go off to college, but I still remembered him as the youngster who captured my heart.

Hal at the beach, where he built immense sand castles with his friends.

Interacting With Heather.  As close as Heather and Hal were in their teens, they couldn't have been more different.  By the time we began living together as a family in 1994, Heather was already much more independent at 14 than I ever was before college.  Partly because of her independence and partly because she was a girl, I had much less interaction with Heather than I did with Hal.  I really didn't know how to address, understand, or help discipline a teenage girl.  (Well, it's probably true I still don't understand teenage girls.)  Heather forged her own path, and I mostly really admired her.  Where Hal and I have dozens of memories of things we did together, Heather and I only have a few of those individual memories from her teenage years.

Heather in a high school photo.  She loved to wear that beret.

Heather's interests during high school were really diverse.  She was very much into music, especially the Grateful Dead, and was deeply affected by the death of Jerry Garcia.  Something clicked between us when she found out I also liked the Grateful Dead.  At one point, Heather decided she wanted to take guitar lessons at a local music store, so I loaned her my 6-string Gallagher guitar to use in the class.  It's a beautiful guitar that's difficult for a beginner to play, but she built up the calluses on her fingers and gave it a valiant effort.

She also loved animals and wanted to adopt a cat, a bird, and a gecko (and probably several others), which, along with our large dog, became a veritable food chain in our home.  She took good care of them, and they all remained safe.  Although she wasn't a sports nut, she also participated on the girls track team in the high jump and enjoyed biking.  Both kids were really encouraged to bring their friends to the house, and they both had many friends.

Although Heather and I weren't very close in her teenage years, we were always very respectful of each other and wouldn't hesitate to have a discussion about something.  It probably was in her junior year when she asked if I'd attend one of her classes and speak about how I became a conscientious objector when I was young.  It was an amazing experience to talk to 25 teenagers about such a personal, important subject, and I was completely amazed by their interest, attention, and excellent questions.  In a way, it was a window into Heather's depth.  Those kids were way more engaged and serious-minded than I was when I was a high school junior.

Consistent with the depth I witnessed was that Heather loved to read.  We both remember our trips to Kepler's, a large bookstore in Menlo Park, and those adventures really represented how we were together.  Once in the bookstore, we'd go our separate ways--free to browse, linger in our favorite sections, and finally choose titles that looked interesting and tempting.  After books were purchased we'd stop at the cafe just outside Kepler's to have coffee and talk.  Heather was already a much faster reader than I ever was; she was hungry for ideas and just devoured them.

Part of getting to know Heather was to recognize the contrast between her and Hal.  Hal naturally followed rules, and Heather naturally questioned them.  Hal naturally loved family time, and Heather naturally loved adventures away from family.  Hal's friends were mostly like him, while Heather chose a diverse group of friends.  One young fellow, who was 18 or 19 and had a really difficult home life, came to live with us for three months.  Both kids were extremely kind and caring of their friends.

Late in high school, Heather and I began having occasional lunches together.  I introduced her to my favorite dish, katsu donburi, at the Japanese restaurant.  Having meals together was the perfect way to learn about her life.  Heather always had an incredibly fast wit and sense of humor, so conversations were really thoroughly enjoyable and challenging.  We gradually discovered things that connected us, and they were a delight to share.

Here's a lovely photo of Heather from when?  I think late high school days.

One incident in her life stands out as a turning point of sorts in our relationship.  Not long after she'd gotten her driver's license, she was in a car accident caused by another driver.  Although she was very much in the right, that didn't quite ease the shock and embarrassment of having her first accident.  I took her out to lunch the next day--probably the day I introduced her to the joys of a well-prepared donburi--and chatted with her quietly.  I wanted her to know she could always talk with me and that she would encounter things in her life that are difficult, but that she'd get through them.

One of the things I always loved about Heather is that she was not afraid to try new things--new food, new hairstyles, new adventures, new ideas, new friends.  We didn't know what would happen in the next week--maybe a new gecko or a new favorite band or a new aspiration.  Part of why I loved her was that she was willing to be more adventuresome than I was as a teenager.  I didn't take risks, but Heather did, and that's what made her unique.

Heather, Hal, and I at a 1994 World Cup game between Brazil and Cameroon at Stanford University.

School and Careers.  By the time Heather and Hal went to college, their mom and I had already split up, so I wasn't part of college discussions.  Hal had hit a growth spurt and grown to about 6' 2", and both kids were trying new hairstyles, going to parties, and seriously thinking about their futures.

Hal (in his soccer uniform) and his big sister, Heather.

In 1998, Heather chose to go to Humboldt State University in Arcata, California, and was originally an English major and then a Natural Resources, Planning and Interpretation (NRPI) major at the school.  Through a rather circuitous route, Heather changed her major again to Spanish Education, with a minor in Geography, after spending two summers in Oaxaca, Mexico and falling in love with the Spanish language.  During her 4-1/2 years at Humboldt State, she took a semester off to waitress in Berkeley, which was not uncommon, as she recalls, for everyone in her generation.

But she still loved biology.  Eventually she went back to school in Landscape Horticulture at Merritt College in Oakland.  This led to her becoming an ISA Certified Arborist and ISA Certified Municipal Specialist--one who was fluent in two languages!  ISA is the International Society of Arboriculture.  For several years she worked for Friends of the Urban Forest and ran their Tree Care Department in San Francisco.  That organization has been around since 1981 and is responsible for planting and caring for almost half of all the street trees in the city.  Her department would care for newly-planted trees for 3-5 years after planting.  She was a self-described tree pediatrician.

Heather and I outside her San Francisco "tree house" apartment in 2013.

Hal took a much different route in finding his career.  Having loved cooking and food recipes most of his life, he went to California State University, Northridge, in Los Angeles and majored in Food Science.  Before graduating in 2008, he did an internship for Miele Appliances at their Gallery in Beverly Hills.  In his internship, he focused on recipe development for their appliances and continued working part-time with them until he graduated.  He worked full-time in Beverly Hills until 2009, when he and his future wife, Savanna, moved to Scottsdale, Arizona, where Hal helped open the Scottsdale Gallery for Miele.  Among other things, he would use a full kitchen of Miele appliances to prepare dinners in front of audiences.

In college, Hal met a young man named Ben Watson when they were both on the school's sailing team.  Through his dad's influence, Hal was already a very experienced sailor.  Ben introduced Hal to his father, Ridge Watson, who is the brother of the great golfer, Tom Watson.  Ridge was the owner of Joullian Winery, and he invited Hal to visit him at Jouillian in the winter of 2010-11.  That was the beginning of Hal's wine career.  He invited Hal to become the intern/cellar rat the next summer for the 2011 fall harvest.  Hal accepted, which meant that he and Savanna could move back to California and live in the Monterey/Carmel area.

Hal pouring wine in the tasting room of Joullian Winery, 2012.

Hal learned a lot about wine from Ridge Watson, as he learned all aspects of running a winery, from working directly with the grapes to pouring wine in the tasting room to managing employees.  He was promoted to general manager in 2016 and served in that capacity for more than two years, until he and his wife moved back to her hometown of Fresno.  There he began working for CRU Winery as Area Sales Manager for Northern California.

Starting Families.  Both Heather and Hal have found really wonderful life-partners.  Heather met her husband, Gawain, while she was working in San Francisco, and they were married in December, 2015.  Their son, Gareth, was born in 2016, and Heather decided to become a stay-at-home mom for a few years.  Gawain is a systems analyst for Cal Performances, a performing arts center on the UC Berkeley campus.  They live in Tucson and love the desert.

Gawain and Heather in 2015.

 

Heather, Gawain, and Gareth in 2016 at their home in Tucson.

Hal and his wife, Savanna, met at Cal State Northridge and were married in 2012.  After spending years in Scottsdale and then in the Carmel area, they moved to Fresno to raise their two kids, Rhett and Ryder.  Rhett was born in 2017, one week after Hal's birthday, which was significant to me, because my dad's birthday was one week before mine.  It always seemed like an extra connection between father and son when I was growing up.  Ryder came along in March of 2020 and completed the family.

Hal and Savanna at Joullian Winery in Carmel Valley before their wedding in 2012.

Cousins Rhett and Gareth at a wedding in 2019.

Ryder at age 1, already interested in reading.

I am so proud of the adults that Heather and Hal have become.  They completed college, developed careers that they love, and are raising beautiful families.  One could never ask for anything more in kids you have seen grow up.  People occasionally ask me if I ever regretted not having my own children, and I answer "no."  I would never choose going back and having my own kids if it meant giving up Heather and Hal.

Marriage With Suzanne

As Anthony Powell decided to do in his 12-novel epic, A Dance To The Music Of Time, I've decided not to over-analyze my marriage and relationship with Suzanne Newcome Cowan, but to only describe our history--how we met, how we re-met, where we've traveled, and what we've shared.  Gail Montgomery, my old friend and counselor in the late 1980's, told me that the best relationships are the ones in which you find your perfect ally to help you face life.  Suzanne has been that person for me.

The Courtship.  Suzanne and I first met in September, 1989, in a crowded gymnasium of ballroom dancers.  I spotted her standing alone while I was in the middle of a dance with another partner.  When the dance finished, I made sure I'd maneuvered through the crowd in order to stop near Suzanne, because I knew other men would quickly approach her.  I thanked my partner for the dance and moved directly to Suzanne to ask for the next dance.  Such behavior may appear rude to a non-dancer, but it was polite in the dance world.  Changing partners between dances was expected, especially if you were a good dancer.

Initially Suzanne politely refused my invitation, because she was supposed to meet someone.  Without pausing, I asked the oddest of questions, "Who?"  She paused for a moment and then said his name, and he was someone I knew fairly well!  "Oh, I know him.  He's a nice guy, but Rob is always late."  And, so, Suzanne consented, we danced to a waltz, and we chatted until Rob showed up.  By that time, I'd already gotten her phone number, and I don't think we even had a chance to dance another time that evening.

I should set the scene of our first meeting.  When Suzanne walked into the gymnasium, I'm sure most people--men and women--noticed her.  She was stunningly beautiful and about six feet tall in heels.  I was well-known as one of the best dancers, since I was part of the STAR Dance Formation Team (see my Collaborations essay about the team) and co-instructor for the evening's beginning class.  I had no qualms about asking her to dance, because I knew how to lead and make dancing fun for my partner.  Many men who aren't advanced dancers find themselves intimidated by a tall, beautiful woman, simply because they imagine her to be a great dancer who will draw attention to herself and, therefore, to them.  I had the confidence that, no matter what Suzanne's level of expertise was, I could lead her in an enjoyable dance.  She turned out to be a beginning dancer, and we both had fun.

We dated for about six weeks after which we both decided it wasn't the right timing for us.  Among other things, Suzanne had her own fashion consulting business and worked long hours, was active with her church friends, and lived more than 20 miles away from me.  Over the next few years, we ran into each other at a couple dance places and once or twice at the San Francisco Symphony, but we didn't really stay in touch.  As I tell friends, I met someone else, got married, got two wonderful stepkids and a house, got divorced, and returned to dancing in the summer of 1998.  I'd always really missed the activity and dance community, and it was a perfect means to start dating again.

It was in September, 1998, nine years after we had first met, that I met Suzanne again.  We re-met at the Starlite Ballroom in Sunnyvale on a crowded Sunday evening.  At the end of one dance, the crowd began to disperse, and I recognized Suzanne in the dimly-lighted room as she was walking off the floor away from me!  I knew it was she and just said, "Suzanne."  She turned and smiled, and before the evening was over, we had danced several times, and I had her new phone number.

Suzanne was still as tall and beautiful, but everything else in her life had changed.  She had moved, become an executive assistant at a tech firm, started teaching personal image classes at a community college, and had become a really good ballroom dancer!  We began dating, and the timing was finally right for both of us.  It sounds like an easy, magical reunion, which it was, but it was also probably inevitable.  I was returning to the dance world, and she was firmly entrenched in it, so we were bound to cross paths again in that small circle.

We dated steadily for the next year and a half, spending most of our weekends together, and she moved in with us (me and my dog, Casey) in early 2000.  Near the end of 2000, I had decided it was time to propose, but then I delayed the event by deciding to write a new song as my proposal.  It was a good idea, but it took a lot longer than I thought it would, because it had been many years since I'd written a song!  I told her I'd ordered something for her and it would arrive soon, but after a couple weeks she wondered if I'd ever heard of Fed Ex.  

Finally, I finished the song (see Second Chances in An Introduction To Songwriting).  I suggested we have a candlelight dinner at home one night, and I remember Suzanne made brick chicken (with a real brick from the yard to splay the chicken!).  When the plates were cleared, I brought out the song with my guitar and began singing my proposal.  Halfway through the song, I realized the candlelight was so dim that I couldn't see the words, so Suzanne had to hold the page up so I could read it.  I cautioned her to not let it catch fire from the candle, because it was my only copy of the song.  It was like a skit from the Carol Burnett Show, in retrospect, but it did the trick.  She said yes!

A framed copy of the words to Second Chances, given to us by Carla Bleil, hangs in our home.

The Wedding.  We were married at the English Manor Bed and Breakfast in Miamisburg, Ohio, on Saturday, April 27, 2002.  With the help of her mother, Eleanor, who lived in Kettering, Ohio, Suzanne planned the entire wedding.  Eleanor found the location, and it was perfect for us!  Suzanne's family members would arrive from Washington, D.C., California, Arizona, Pennsylvania, and Texas and would occupy the entire B&B for the weekend, as would my best man and great friend, Bruce Homer-Smith, and Suzanne's maid-of-honor, Carla Bleil.

Steve and Suzanne seated in the English Manor Bed and Breakfast living room with family members (from left)--Jon, Pete, Julie, Richard, Melanie, Eleanor, John, Angela, Tim, Linda, and Cindy.

The owners of the B&B had never hosted a wedding before, so they went far beyond expectations in the preparations.  They happened to also be wine distributors, so they provided wine of our choosing.  Their relatives owned a bakery and a floral shop, so the cake and flowers were easy to procure.  They provided an amazing reception at the manor after our 2:30 p.m. wedding.  Then we all retired to our rooms for a nap(!) and returned a couple hours later to a full turkey dinner and party.

To suit the theme of an English manor, it rained that day, but no one cared.  We were inside a beautiful, 1920's Tudor mansion.  The kids were overjoyed to call the English pub in the basement their own game room (minus drinks), and all the adults relaxed in the spacious living/dining rooms and sun porch.  In one corner of the living room was a baby grand piano, and the pianist we hired played jazz and classical music during the afternoon reception.  I surprised Suzanne by singing the proposal song again, using her brother Mike's guitar, and people were most impressed.  Her brother-in-law, John, who has four daughters, commented, "Well, the bar has just been raised.  Anyone who wants to marry one of my daughters has to write a song and sing it to the family."

I don't think we could have had a lovelier, more meaningful wedding.  Suzanne's mother, who passed away less than a year later, got to see her oldest daughter married, and all of Suzanne's relatives were there to celebrate with us.  

The following day we had a larger reception at Eleanor's home in Kettering.  I was seated next to the two cakes in the kitchen as I greeted what must have been over 100 people.  Later in the afternoon a few of us left the festivities and moved to the side yard, where we were treated to the entertainment of several hundred people running past the house during a marathon race!  It was a beautiful, sunny day, and Dayton, Ohio, was in full bloom.  Several of Suzanne's nieces had decorated the "Just Married" sign but had attached it to Bruce's rental car.  It capped off a perfect, "marathon" wedding weekend.

Suzanne and I near the end of our "marathon" wedding weekend.

The Honeymoon.  Since we had traveled for our wedding, we decided to return home for the honeymoon, which has yet to end.  We had spent much of the previous year discussing details for the wedding, so it was wonderful to relax without having to plan.  Two months later we spent a long 'honeymoon" weekend in Carmel with Casey, our big Labrador.  The Cypress Inn, co-owned at that time by Doris Day, has always been pet-friendly, so it was not unusual to see a dozen dogs, a parrot, and one confused cat in the bar/lounge with their owners.  The staff catered as much to the animals as they did to the people.

During the day we would go wine tasting or visit Carmel's great shops.  Carmel is one of the most dog-friendly towns in the country.  Most shops have bowls of water at the entrance for thirsty dogs.  Except for eating establishments, every shop invited dogs inside!  Many of the restaurants had outdoor eating areas--in beautiful settings--where your dog could lie next to your table and get treats from waiters.

Suzanne with Casey at the Cypress Inn, Carmel.

Because Suzanne and I had been living together for over two years before we were married, all of our possessions were already assimilated.  We had pretty much settled any considerations regarding space, finances, responsibilities, schedules, interests, and habits by the time we were married.  It all just seemed to fall into place with Suzanne.  One of the conscious reasons I married her was that she is one of the easiest people to get along with you'll ever meet.

Neither of us had a lot of furniture, so moving all of her possessions into the house was simple.  We each would have a large office we could call our own.  (I was working at home full-time.)  I had few kitchen supplies and equipment; Suzanne had a lot.  What furniture we didn't have, we had fun buying together.  Dividing and sharing the space was a natural model for how we divided and shared the other parts of our lives.

Dogs.  The first time Suzanne visited my home in 1998, Casey met her at the front door, jumped up, and placed his paws on her shoulders.  It was love at first sight.  Although she'd never owned a big dog, she took to Casey right away, and that was so significant to me.  I'm really a dog person, and Suzanne discovered that she is, too.  (Both of us are moderately allergic to cats.)

When you are not raising kids, you have the opportunity to spend a lot of time with your dog(s), but it's a lot of work.   You constantly need to care for them, and we discovered that we both really enjoy that.  

Casey was 3 years old when Suzanne met him, and he was huge.  I knew he was half Labrador but thought the other half was a mix, including Shar-Pei.  We began taking him to Fort Funston Park in San Francisco, which includes a beautiful beach, and on one trip we discovered from a breeder that Casey was most likely half Great Dane.  That explained his weight (110 pounds) and the fact that he could grab something off the top of the refrigerator!

Casey had a gentle, rather reserved demeanor, and we loved taking him with us on car trips and walks through shopping areas.  When he died in early 2005, just before he turned 10 years old, we were really devastated.  Both of us had lost our mothers in the previous two years, but I think his death affected us more.

Suzanne, Casey and I on a weekend trip to Volcano, California in 2003

We began looking for another dog in the summer of 2005.  Since we adore Labrador Retrievers, we focused on finding a Lab puppy we could raise from a very young age.  Although we fully support rescuing dogs and giving them good homes (Casey had been a rescue pup), we wanted to experience the joys of training a dog from the start of its life.  We had begun giving sizable donations to the Humane Society Silicon Valley in 1999, but they seldom see Labradors who need homes.  Similarly, the California Lab Rescue organizations didn't have any dogs less than three years old that we could find.  So we began searching newspapers for Labs (this was before most breeders had websites) and finally found a breeder in Tulare, California who had a new litter of pups.  Cody picked us out.

Cody at 2-1/2 months old.

It was certainly not all smooth sailing as we learned how difficult it is to raise and train a dog, but we all survived, and Cody became an incredible companion.  He attended several classes and countless puppy socials, had a great disposition, and was an eager learner.  Many of our friends told us that, as an adult, he was the best behaved dog they'd ever seen.  Our hundreds of hours of training were evident.  Please read my Cody essay to see what an incredible dog Cody was.

After Cody died in March, 2017, we knew we had the desire and energy for one more puppy in our lifetimes, so after grieving for Cody, I began combing the websites of Labrador Retriever breeders in California.  We wanted another American-style Labrador, not an English-style Lab, and very few breeders had American Labs that were family dogs.  Most are raised for hunting; they're the "field" dogs.  At the 22nd breeder, we found a litter of pups we really liked, so we flew down to Ontario near Los Angeles to pick out our next dog, Cooper.  He was eleven weeks old when we met him.

We met Cooper in January, 2018, when he was 11 weeks old.

We drove the 400 miles to pick him up the following weekend, and thus began two years of trying to train a tornado.  Not only did we do all the puppy classes and doggie socials with Cooper, but he received a year and a half of private training with an incredible dog trainer, Melissa Dallier.  There have been several obstacles to overcome, which is part of the joy of training.  Not only is Cooper a ball of energy, but he's 15 pounds heavier than Cody was, and he's as strong as Casey was.  With Melissa, we helped Cooper get through a difficult period of several months after he was attacked by a small dog while we were at an outdoor cafe.  From being greatly frightened and reactive to other dogs, Cooper became a sweet, friendly, happy dog.

Training Cooper has typified the relationship Suzanne and I have with each other.  We eagerly share all of the responsibilities for Cooper, although we do a lot of individual work with him as well.  We take him to a large, open field every day to romp with other dogs, and he enjoys one day a week at the doggie daycare center.  At the field he's become the "sheriff" of the varied group of canines.  If another dog is aggressive with him, he just ignores the dog, and if two dogs start to tangle, he tries to get between them to stop the fight.  Cooper also gets three long walks a day and lots of in-home training.  Suzanne is especially good at leading him through all of his routine exercises, including several hand signals, each morning.  His repertoire is about 75 verbal commands, which is ten fewer than Cody knew, but Cooper's still learning (and teaching us).

Cooper at 4 months old in 2018.  He goes with us for Sunday coffee each week.

Having shared one dog or another for most of the last 22 years, Suzanne and I can't imagine life without a dog.  We hope Cooper lives into his teens.  They keep us young, active, and alert to their mischief.

Finances.  Most of our financial decisions were made before we married.  Newlyweds often go through a period reconciling all types of financial issues--how much do you spend and on what? ...what do you own? ...how much have you saved? ...what are you invested in?  We discussed those issues very little, because neither of us had saved much for retirement, nor did we live extravagant lives.  We not only discovered that we agree on just about everything without need for discussion, but our collaboration resulted in ideas that we would not have had if we were single.  I owned a house, but otherwise we had no assets except small IRA accounts.  We were starting fresh.

The first thing we did was agree on maintaining separate checking accounts, in order to better budget our spending.  We had always maintained our own checking accounts, so it didn't make any sense to try to control our spending from one account.  We also agreed to share all joint expenses equally.  This included the mortgage, property taxes, homeowner's dues, insurance, food, house expenses, travel, entertainment, and dog care.  We agreed to discuss any large purchase and budget separately for it.

We were fortunate to have two stable, well-paying jobs.  Only briefly did Suzanne face unemployment between two executive assistant jobs, and, without any encouragement from me, she dedicated eight hours a day in upgrading her skills, taking classes, updating her LinkedIn page, sending out resumes, and going to several interviews.  In other words, finding a job was a full-time job, as it should be!

Our collaboration with finances took its own natural form.  Suzanne has always been the expert in the family for medical insurance, Medicare, Social Security, and (now) IRA RMD's (required minimum distributions).  That fit right in with the type of work she occasionally did as an executive assistant, so she did all the research required to understand those subjects for us.

Similarly, I took over all of our investment research and decisions right after the dotcom crash in early 2000.  As I told friends, I could lose money just as well as my financial advisor, so why pay her a fee?  I moved all of our retirement savings into no-fee accounts at Fidelity, which was known in the industry as having the best website (along with Vanguard) for novice investors.  I made a number of initial conservative investment decisions, such as only investing in no-load mutual funds with low expense ratios, and then I started studying the markets and checking out on-line tutorials.  I would spend a minimum of one hour after work every day (and several hours on weekends) on learning how to invest.  Morningstar's website provided most of what I needed to learn--fund analyses, lots of tutorials, knowledgeable articles and opinions, and free tools for picking funds.  I researched fund categories, fund families (companies), managers, and individual fund performance.

I did have one significant advantage over most people when I began investing.  If I did my research adequately, I could create a simple probability model to guide my investing, and I stuck with that model for about ten years.  My fundamental goals were to (a) not pay load or account fees, (b) control capital gains, (c) make decisions based only on my own research, (d) minimize risk, (e) rebalance investments quarterly, and (f) exceed the S&P 500 annual returns by at least 3% every year.  I also took Warren Buffett's advice to heart: only invest in things you know well.  I knew nothing about real estate investing, so we never put any money into any piece of real estate except our own house.

I knew I could beat the S&P 500 by at least 3% if I stuck to my model, and that's what happened.  To Suzanne's credit, she was extremely trusting to let me invest her money.  Although I explained what I was doing, she didn't care to get too involved in the details.  If I told her I was investing 5% of our money in REIT's, because I had researched the fund companies and managers, she didn't care to know more about it--much the same as me not asking her more about how Social Security works.

Controlling our finances and making timely financial decisions has always been very important to us, because we spent so many years being poor as individuals.  Both of us were month-to-month in our spending during the entire 1980's.  You find out if you're really compatible with someone when you try to solve money issues, and Suzanne and I were fortunate to discover we're 100% compatible in that area.  Soon after we married, we extensively researched long-term care insurance together and decided we could afford it (over things like frequent long trips or a second home), so we bought that insurance before we turned 55.  We've never regretted any of our financial decisions, and they have created much trust in our relationship.

Interests.  Another advantage of getting married later in life is that you've both had time to develop your own interests.  When I was young, I tried to build relationships by sharing everything I loved.  That doesn't work.  Instead, you should share the things that you're both genuinely interested in and accept and support your partner's individual interests.  It sounds like a simple formula, but it seems so hard for many people to practice that separation between what you want to do and what your partner wants to do.

Suzanne loves the opera and has had season tickets to the San Francisco Opera for decades.  Although I joined her to attend a few operas, it isn't my cup of tea.  As one friend blurted out during one extended death scene, much to the dismay of a few people seated around us, "So die already!"  Suzanne appreciates everything about the production, and I think that's wonderful.  She also enjoys working with plants, shopping for bargains on-line, going to exercise classes, attending a monthly book club, taking language classes (German and French), swimming, cooking, and visiting her relatives.  She likes historical novels and non-fiction books.

I love writing essays and short stories, partaking in a two-person weekly book club, doing ceramics, golfing at regulation courses, listening to jazz and new music, doing crosswords and jigsaw puzzles, cooking Chinese and Italian dishes, and lunching with friends.  I read mysteries and classics, with the occasional musical biography thrown in.

We have not expected any of our individual interests to be shared by the other person, and that has worked out very well, because we have many common interests.  In addition to the time-consuming job of training and caring for a dog, we enjoy golfing at par-3 courses together, attending classical music concerts, going to art exhibits and fairs, supporting our local Humane Society Silicon Valley, going to old movies at the Stanford Theater, visiting wineries to listen to music and buy wine, and traveling.

What we enjoy doing the most is having friends in for dinner parties.  Suzanne loves to cook for four, six, or eight people, so we really love getting friends together for several hours of eating, drinking, and talking about our lives.  In a normal year we will host at least a dozen such dinner parties.  We'll show off our dog's latest commands and caution them to hold onto their napkins, because the dog loves to steal them off people's laps!  With each dinner party, I really enjoy sampling the wine people bring, and I often finish the evening by posing a question to which each person, in turn, is invited to respond.  I like to invite people to think, such as asking, "What creative activity would you still like to do in your life?"

Suzanne's and my relationship is sustained by our interests and activities.  I always encourage young people to cultivate separate interests and not share too much with their partners.  I think as a young man I made the mistake of trying to share too much in relationships.  With Suzanne, I found the right balance.

Projects.  If there's one thing that can challenge the strength of a relationship, it's trying to do a project together, but it always seemed like a natural activity for us.  We both accepted that sometimes I'd be the leader and sometimes Suzanne would, whatever was best for the project.

Less than a year after we met again in September, 1998, we embarked upon a project that lasted much longer than we'd estimated.  It took us five months to build a flagstone pathway in our backyard, and, working only on weekends, we finished it on New Year's Eve, December 31, 1999.  I could write an entire essay on "the path," but I'll provide a few photos to give you an idea of the work we did.

After clearing the back yard, we measured, cut, and installed the bender boards in August, 1999.

We discovered that bender boards don't, uh, bend easily, so Suzanne's ingenuity led us to soaking them in our bathtub to increase their flexibility!  Then we hand-picked a dozen flagstone slabs at a local garden center.  Each thick slab was 2' x 3' in size and weighed about 80 pounds, so we devised a clever way to break them apart in our driveway, by scoring the flagstone with a chisel and lightly dropping the slab on a curved rock in the shape of a large turtle's shell, placed strategically below the scored groove.  Then we could carry each piece to the backyard and position it on the path.  A fragment might weigh 20 pounds, but we could handle that.

After adding a two-inch thick layer of sand between the borders, we placed each flagstone fragment on the path.

The really time-consuming part of the project was in custom-trimming each flagstone fragment and then exactly leveling it in the sand next to its adjacent pieces.  In the above photo, you can see several fragments resting on the bender board.  Those are the pieces we'd need to custom-trim, using different sized chisels.  If we finished four feet of the path in a weekend, we were doing well.  Suzanne and I both felt that, if we were able to finish this project without conflict, we were patient enough to do just about anything together.

 

We worked into the autumn, slowly fitting each piece into place.  After all 99 fragments were level and appropriately spaced, we filled all of the gaps with a rich planting dirt, and Suzanne painstakingly added Baby's Tears ground cover, which only lasted a couple years before we decided the path was overgrown with the stuff and had to be removed.  When I look at the above photos and consider how long we worked on the path, I understand why we both later had knee surgeries!

The path looked great when planting dirt and Baby's Tears ground cover were added to the rest of the yard.

Of course, when we finished the path and backyard, we noticed how dingy the old fence looked, so we decided to rebuild it.  The posts were still good, so we demolished everything but the posts, hand-picked all of the new redwood boards, found a privacy trellis for the top of the fence, and rebuilt an 8-foot section of the fence each weekend.  This project was done in the spring of 2000.

We added the privacy trellis because neighbors behind us in Sunnyvale are on ground that's a foot higher than our yard!

Building the flagstone path and fence proved that we could handle projects that were as big as we'd ever tackle.  It required collaborative vision, design work, shopping for materials, lots of physical labor, and the discipline to stick to our schedule and finish the project.  We were greatly amused by the reaction of the gentleman who had sold us the flagstone slabs, when we took a photograph of the finished backyard to him.  He had expressed much doubt that we could do such a project alone, and he was so impressed that he placed our photograph on a bulletin board in his shop, so other DIY'ers could see it!

I was the leader for most of the flagstone path and redwood fence projects, but Suzanne took the lead on our next large project--painting all the rooms in our house.  Suzanne had done a lot of house painting in her life, and I knew little about it.  We did one or two rooms at a time, spaced throughout 2001 and 2002.  We were tired of the standard Navajo White color, so we chose a color that appealed to our taste palate, Crispy Creme, which could appear as a very light apricot, pink, or beige, depending on the light.

All of our four upstairs bedrooms have nine-foot ceilings, and our living room/dining room area has a thirteen-foot ceiling, but we painted all of it ourselves.  Probably the hardest part of the project was painting the vaulted ceiling on the stairway, but we devised a scaffolding that served us well.  Suzanne wouldn't let me near all of the woodwork, however, which she painted a soft white.  That's woodwork for twelve rooms!

Then we took on the largest project of all--managing the remodeling of our kitchen in 2003.  We began by studying the kitchens of many of our friends to get ideas.  We loved the maple cabinets that Rich and Cathy Gerber had chosen, so they connected us with their cabinet maker in San Jose.  Since my dad had taught me the kitchen design trade, I began drawing up plans for the new kitchen.  Suzanne and I listed all of the upgrades we'd like to have, and I incorporated those changes in our plans.

Two things became apparent.  First, the general footprint of the old kitchen was still the best design for the space, and second, to get what we wanted, we had to have cabinets that were custom-built.  We wanted a wine rack that would accommodate at least 30 bottles of wine, handy shelves for our dog's supplies, roll-out drawers for pots and pans, a shelf for cookbooks, a pantry with lots of pull-out shelves, and a dozen other small amenities.  Don, the cabinetmaker, could build cabinets to any size and specification, so it was amazing to work with him.  He also recommended an excellent construction company to do the installation--a friend of his named Dan, who turned out to be excellent as well.  So, it was the Don and Dan show!

Suzanne and I created a bunch of spreadsheets to manage the project.  I put together the budget.  For our very large kitchen and dry bar areas, we'd heard what other families were spending, and we vowed to spend much less.  We'd save close to $20K by doing some of the big tasks ourselves, rather than have our contractor do them.  Those tasks included demolishing the old kitchen, transporting the finished, unpackaged cabinets from the cabinetmaker's place to the finisher's shop and from the finisher's shop to our home, scheduling and managing the delivery of appliances, scraping up the old linoleum (which we'll never do again!), crafting all of the maple toe kicks along the cabinet bases, and painting the kitchen when everything was done.

Here's part of the old kitchen, pre-demolition.  Suzanne and I had removed all the cabinet doors and the peninsula cabinets.

To demolish the kitchen, we held a Saturday pizza and beer party, and we invited eight of our heartiest, kindest friends to tear everything out.  We started at 9:00 a.m. and were done by 2:30 p.m., and it was really a lot of fun.  Two of the guys--George Ellison and Rich Gerber--had built their own homes, so they took the lead in telling us how everything should be done.  As we demolished each cabinet and removed each appliance, everything was stored in the garage to be hauled away the next day.

Bill, George, and Craig hard at work.  Demolition goes a lot faster than installation!

The Demolition Crew--(front row) Ken and George, (back row) Bill, Craig, Steve, and Suzanne.  Missing from photo but very much part of the demolition: Jackie, Cathy, and Kathy.

The hilarious part of the demolition was that, soon after we'd finished the pizza and everyone had departed, Suzanne and I realized that we'd forgotten to demolish the dry bar area!  No problems.  In half an hour, we finished that demolition by ourselves.

Planning the project with Suzanne was really a joy.  Even before the demolition, we'd visited appliance stores and picked out all our appliances.  We made six trips to one place, which had almost everything we wanted, and we picked out equipment from seven different manufacturers, including Bosch, Kitchen Aid, Thermador, Dacor, and Zephyr.  Our appliances would be black and didn't have to match manufacturers; we chose the appliances for their features.  Dacor had the quietest oven; Thermador had an electric cooktop with the best heat controls; Zephyr had (by far) the quietest hood.  And then there was the story of how we chose our dishwasher.

On one Saturday morning we showed up bright and early at the appliance store with two grocery bags filled with our own pots, pans, dishes, and wine glasses.  The salespeople were amused but didn't stop us.  We had chosen a Kitchen Aid dishwasher and wanted to confirm that our dishes would fit comfortably inside it, but when we started stacking our dishes, we discovered they didn't fit!  So we switched to a Bosch dishwasher, which had more adjustable racks.  Meanwhile, several customers began picking up our pans, dishes, and glasses to try out with other appliances, saying it was a great idea for the store to supply them.  We had to dash all over the store to retrieve our dishes!

Suzanne made a spreadsheet that must have had two hundred tasks listed to complete the kitchen, and we just started doing them.  At the same time, we were both working full-time and caring for our big dog, but the planning was so good that the project went very smoothly.  Twice we hired a U-Haul truck and asked our friends to help us transport the finished cabinets, which were gorgeous, and all of the appliances were delivered on schedule before the contractor was ready for them.  

Because our kitchen gets almost no direct sunlight, we changed our minds on the granite slabs we'd chosen for countertops when we saw the color was too dark.  A few days later, the granite supplier called and said he'd just received ten slabs of "Shiva Gold" granite from a Brazil quarry, and we could pick out any two we wanted.  We rushed over, and they brought out all ten slabs!

Shiva Gold granite with veins of quartz, rich caramel-colored streaks, and tiny purple specks.

We were delighted that we'd found exactly what we wanted, and the supplier agreed to store the slabs until we needed them.  Picking out granite taught us to not settle for the first tempting color.  The supplier had over 100 types of granite on display, but we waited for just the right one.  It was also a project that informed us that our tastes are very similar.  We made all the right choices, had a lot of fun doing it, met our budget to within a thousand dollars, and loved our kitchen when it was finished.

The kitchen takes shape!  Notice that we didn't use knobs on the doors, and the below-sink doors haven't been installed yet.

From the above photo, you can see that we opted for a very “clean” but functional look for our kitchen.  You can see the easy-access book shelf, lots of counter space (this is half of the counter space!), recessed ceiling lighting, and no knobs on the cabinets.  The doors and drawers are easily opened without knobs, and that saved us $800.  Another extraordinary feature, which you can’t see, is that there’s only one small join of the granite (at the center of the cooktop) in the entire kitchen.

We have done many smaller projects since our kitchen was completed, often involving landscaping or painting.  We have climbed onto the high flat roof 20 or 30 times to clear drains or fix window leaks.  We really enjoy doing projects together, and in so doing, we've discovered our stronger and weaker suits, so we rarely have disagreements.  We've also learned when it's better to "hire help," as one person suggested.  We hired someone to rebuild the front stucco wall in our yard, but we were glad to paint it!

Health.  I could not have found a better partner to be my health advocate, because I have had a lot more health issues than Suzanne has during our life together.  Suzanne majored in Dietetics at Ohio State, so she has always encouraged us to eat healthy foods and well-balanced meals.  As we've aged we've cut down more and more on sugars and sodium.  We've always eaten less red meat, preferring chicken, turkey, pork, tofu, and fish.  

We minimize our caffeine intake.  I have about two decaf coffee drinks per week, where I used to drink three or four cups of caffeinated coffee per day.  We usually have fruit for dessert, and when we have a "real" dessert, we eat half a serving each.  We eat lots of vegetables, thin-sliced bread, and avoid most greasy or fatty foods.  Pizza?  Maybe once or twice a year, home-made.

Suzanne has always kept up her exercising, with swimming, gym workouts, stretching, and lots of walking.  After my fall and neck problems, I had to cut back on exercising.  I could no longer play tennis or go hard on the exercise bike or treadmill, but I golf frequently and walk every day.  Much of our walking is attributed to our dog, who gets three walks a day, plus an outing at the dog field.

We are equally adamant in maintaining our health care visits, and we're both on several medications to regulate blood pressure, cholesterol, and other aging maladies.  We are "active" septuagenarians, as are many of our friends.  It's not that none of us have health problems, but we really make the effort to stay ahead of the aging curve if we can.  We have several friends now in their 80's who are almost as active as they were in their 60's.

Of course, we all get sick or injured, and having a life partner who is your advocate is one of the strongest parts of our relationship.  We have so far been fortunate to not encounter cancer, strokes, or broken bones, but seldom does a year go by that there isn't some health challenge.  Suzanne has had foot and knee surgeries, and she has contemplated knee and hip replacements for years.

I have experienced a litany of health problems--none of them life-threatening, but many of them scary and time-consuming.  They have included shoulder surgery (2000), a blood clot in my chest (2003), microfracture surgery on my right knee (2004 - in bed for 11 weeks), four prostate biopsies, concussion and neck injury (2013), prostate TURP surgery (2014), and removal of a mediastinal cyst from my chest (2015).

When I had the blood clot in 2003, an ultrasound revealed that little or no blood was getting back into the heart through the major vein on the right side of my chest.  Suzanne, in all of her research, found the foremost authority in the Bay Area for that condition, which is not uncommon in athletes who use their arms a lot, such as baseball players, swimmers, and volleyball players.  Scar tissue had built up at the junction of two major veins and caused the blockage.

When I researched the condition on the UCLA Medical School site, documentation said that the primary remedy was to remove the first rib on that side of the body, in order to give the vein sheath more room.  When I first visited the specialist at Stanford Hospital and he saw the sonogram, he said, "Well, if this were UCLA, we'd be removing your first rib about now, but we don't do that treatment here at Stanford."  He proceeded to tell me that the body has an estimated three months to adjust to such a blockage, so without delay, he wanted me to get as much exercise with my right arm as possible--dig holes in the garden, hit tennis balls, whatever it took for the adjacent minor veins to take over for the major veins.  He said, "When your arm gets heavy and purplish, simply stop the exercise until you feel better!  Then start again."  And, it worked!!  He may have been the only doctor who would give that advice, and Suzanne found him.

That is one example of the many times she's found a solution to a healthcare issue for me.  She has been my constant ally.

Harmony.  In all of my conversations with Gail Montgomery about love relationships, the best advice she ever gave me was to seek a woman with whom I could easily get along and co-exist.  People are on their best behavior when you first meet them, but how are they to get along with after six months or a year have passed, when you have the opportunity to face trials and travails together?

I think Suzanne and I have matched the harmony that I saw and envied between my friends, John and Margaret Cardwell, in the 1970's.  I have told many, many people that Suzanne is the easiest person to get along with they can imagine.  I've thought about this idea for a long time--what allows a person to succeed in being so easy to live with?  What is it about her nature?

I can summarize it in one complicated, over-packed sentence.  She isn't moody, doesn't hold grudges, doesn't stay mad long, doesn't nag, is constantly witty, can laugh at herself, is able to change, and has lots of fun in life.  Let's break apart that lengthy statement.

Suzanne and I both have hot tempers, but our tiffs are not only seldom but have never lasted more than three or four minutes, usually less than thirty seconds.  Think about that.  I don't think we've ever had a single argument that lasted as long as five minutes!  We never call names or make a disagreement personal, and over the years we've both gotten better at giving hints about what's bugging us before an argument ensues.

Second, she doesn't stay mad, nor does she hold grudges at all.  Arguments never re-start.  If our opinions have been expressed, that's all we need to finish a disagreement.  In not holding grudges, she will never reference a prior disagreement in order to bring it into the current argument.  I find that to be an especially rare quality in people.

Neither of us is someone who nags.  My mom loved to nag my father, and I acquired a special dislike for the habit.  Rather than nag our partner, Suzanne and I have each developed ways of giving friendly hints to get something done, or we turn the issue into something that's funny.  She knows I really dislike when she's late for something that involves me, but I've learned to drop hints about her management of time.  Sometimes we even drive separate cars to an event, because being on time is an obsession of mine.  Still, we always work it out, and neither of us nags to interfere with that.

Suzanne is not a moody person, nor am I.  However, when one of us is feeling out of sorts or sad or cramped for time, we simply alert the other person.  That's all it takes for us to leave each other alone when one person is stressed.  We have separate home offices and separate bedrooms, and that degree of separation has greatly reduced the possibility of stress or irritation between us.  Having your own space gives your partner their own space when they need it.

We decided many years ago to have separate bedrooms, because so many of our sleeping habits were different.  I'm a very light sleeper; she's a sound sleeper.  She likes a very warm bed; I like a cool one.  She dislikes the sound of a fan in the summer; I love the susurration of the fan.  She can sleep with the light on; I can't.  She likes our dog on the bed; I prefer he sleep next to the bed.  We both choose the middle of the bed and like to stretch out.  We've never made it a secret to our friends that we prefer separate bedrooms.  I think the habit has added great harmony to our lives, and we both certainly get more sleep that way.

Despite having separate offices and bedrooms, we spend a lot of time together.  We almost always eat dinner together, take our dog on his daily runs together, and do projects together.  Most of the time we relax together and watch our evening mysteries and public television shows.  We also enjoy a tradition we began over twenty years ago--late-afternoon Sunday lattes together, where we can socialize Cooper and talk about all of the things happening in our lives.  That weekly "meeting" not only allows us to relax with our dog, but it lets us organize our activities, settle open issues, and make decisions and plans.  After more than twenty years, we are not at all tired of talking with each other.

What has probably added the most harmony to our lives, however, is humor.  Suzanne is extremely witty and has an unbelievable memory in recalling things we laughed about decades ago.  We still send lots of emails to each other, as a means for sharing information, and we sign them with the affectionate labels we have for each other, which we began in the late 1990's.  To me, Suzanne is "Buttercup" ("bc"), and to her, I am "Sweat Pea" ("sp").  Having a big dog in our lives is a constant source of funny episodes and photo-ops, which only add to our constant, shared humor.

Early on, we found that we're both amenable to change, and we've both changed a lot in our years together.  Still, we have our individual habits and resist trying to change each other to any significant degree.  Because we have our separate spaces, Suzanne's office can stay more cluttered than mine or my office can have classical or jazz music playing all the time and not interfere with her Zoom meetings.  She is much more stylish than I am, but she lets me keep shirts I've worn for 15 or 20 years.

As Gail described, finding a woman with whom I could easily co-exist and thrive has been the most important part of my life, and Suzanne has fulfilled that and more in me.  We've shared everything a great marriage should have, and she has added immeasurably to my happiness.

The last lines of the song I wrote to propose to Suzanne still ring true, as they always will.

        "You’re the ace that life has dealt me; you’re the place I rest my heart
          Will you face the rest of life with me, my love?"